Keep Moving .... West

It seems the farther West I go the more I miss the East, and probably vice versa. Being out here makes me really miss Jordan - maybe because everything is totally the opposite, not least the weather. But it's also making me miss home. The only thing I don't miss is school. Did I make the right decision going back to Penn? Logically, yes. I am glad to be closer to the fam and the friends but I still feel like there is something huge missing in my life. It's like every day I am dealing with the same heartbreak, over and over. I desperately want to go back, but I don't have a reason. I am torn between feeling the necessity of gettingajobacareeranormallifeasalaryBLAH or giving up on everything? It can't be dichotomous but it definitely feels like it is. Even silly things, that exist everywhere, like city lights, make me think of Amman. The forest makes me think of the desert. Jews make me think of Muslims, Israelis of Palestinians, peanut butter sandwiches of za'atar and labaneh, my lonely single of a crazy house full of children, English of Arabic...all these things I came to love are now just ... gone. I want them back!

عن غزة

This evening I went to a "teach-in" about Gaza which featured such esteemed academicians as Ian Lustick (political science big shot at Penn) and Eve Troutt-Powell, my fave teach evs! No for real, she is my favorite professor I've had at Penn. Anyway, it was sponsored by SJP, and although the general tone was definitely pro-Gaza (but without negative connotations) I thought it was well-balanced, at least as well as it could be, and presented its arguments in a reasonable manner which abstained from throwing blame or inciting anger or irrationality. It was for sure thought-provoking, and although the room was packed there are certain people who I wish would have been there. Certain points were made which I believe both Jews and Arabs need to hear to understand each other and what's going on.

It was an appropriate follow-up to a conversation I had had/listened to earlier today with a bunch of guys from the Gulf. One of them asked me what my view is on Gaza - a question I find really hard to answer despite the amount of thought that has definitely gone into it - and they proceeded to debate between themselves the history of the conflict, the rights, the wrongs, the causes, the outcomes, everything. It was really interesting to listen to, and not least because I could actually understand it.

It's all combining in my head to make me even more sure of where I stand on this whole spectacle...if you really want to know, feel free to ask.

I go back and forth between desperately wanting to go back and contemplating an immediate future at home...there are benefits and drawbacks in either case, and I know I don't need a plan, but wouldn't life be easier if I had one? What's the goal, and what's the back-up?

EZ

I decided I needed motivation to save money, and I decided that motivation is to go back to Jordan. What better reason to not buy that extraneous whatever than to have enough in the bank for a plane ticket?

It's still weird being back at school ... it could just be the senior thing or it could be reverse homesickness, but I just feel kind of floaty and ungrounded, like I really don't know what I'm doing. It's weird, I don't like it. So I need a goal, and this is it.

Plus everything makes me miss Jordan...especially Arabic because it's so EASY. It kills me. I want to tell everyone that عامية is so easy they just need to stop being afraid of it...but class is so BLEGH all in English and people don't understand and everyone always looks at me when there's a question...it's going to make me forget everything! حرام...